Gamer Chronicles

Chaos, Kojima, and Cash Covered in Blood – The State of Gaming and the Wild Ride of Cash Cleaner Simulator

• Aden • Episode 13

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Welcome back, you beautiful degenerates. This week (okay, month… look, don’t judge), Gamer Chronicles returns with a full-blown gaming breakdown so wild it makes Cyberpunk 2077’s launch look graceful.

We’ve got:

  • 🧨 Gearbox selling Borderlands loot and bullshit
  • 🎒 Kojima returning with an emotional FedEx simulator sequel
  • 💔 Mindseye collapsing harder than my work history this year
  • 🧢 Nintendo gaslighting us all with fake Metroid Prime 4 ads
  • 🛠️ Nexus Mods getting bought by shadowy figures like it’s the plot of a dystopian RPG

And THEN we deep dive into Cash Cleaner Simulator — the most unexpectedly relaxing crime-core sim you’ll play this year. Picture this: you’re in a dingy basement, laundering money with UV lights, literal washing machines, and a mop full of regrets. There’s blood. There are dye packs. There’s a piggy bank hanging from the ceiling like capitalism’s final boss.

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll clean blood off $20 notes while questioning your life choices.

⏱️ Time Stamps:

  • 0:00 – Intro: Greedy devs, busted windshields, and career trauma
  • 2:34 – WTF Is Going On in Gaming? News Round-Up
  • 3:01 – Borderlands 4 sells loot... without the game
  • 5:00 – Death Stranding 2: Kojima drops more weird emotional trauma
  • 5:50 – Mindseye layoffs and the vaporware crash
  • 7:47 – Metroid Prime 4 billboard lies and Nintendo’s marketing gaslight
  • 8:41 – Nexus Mods sold to mystery overlords — what could go wrong?
  • 10:42 – Main Review: Cash Cleaner Simulator
  • 12:48 – Gameplay loop, money physics, UV lights & chaos
  • 15:47 – Where it falls apart: grind fatigue & haunted boxes
  • 17:24 – Final Verdict: The good, the bad, the bloodstained briefcase
  • 18:58 – Outro: A therapy session disguised as gaming journalism

🕹️ Games Mentioned:

  • Borderlands 4
  • Death Stranding 2: On the Beach
  • Mindseye
  • Metroid Prime 4 (not really)
  • Cash Cleaner Simulator
  • Nexus Mods (modding platform, but still deserves a tag)

🎤 Quote of the Episode:

“Cash Cleaner Simulator is the only game that made me yell ‘motherf***er!’ at a pile of soggy twenties — and yet, I’m still playing it.”

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Intro

welcome back, you beautiful degenerates, loot hoarders, and joystick jockeys. You're listening to Gamer Chronicles, the podcast where pixels tell stories and gamers say just one more level until it's 3am and their soul leaves the body. This week, absolutely fucking carnage. I say this week, I should say this month, or the month after, I don't know. I'm on a weird schedule, but I try. So I'm taking gear explosions in Borderlands 4, Kojima dropping another acid dream delivery sim, studios laying off devs like it's a fucking hobby, and Nintendo gaslighting everyone into thinking that Metroid Prime 4 is real. Oh, and did I mention that Nexus Mods also got bought by a mystery overlord, and modders are already preparing for impact like it's the end of days. 

Then later on, I'll dive into the grimyest, most unexpectedly therapeutic game I've played this year, Cash Cleaner Simulator, where your job is to wash blood off banknotes, pick up shotgun shells, and launder money so hard you start wondering if you've missed your calling in life. Strap in, grab your UV light, and a mop full of regrets. Shit's about to get wild. 

So welcome to this episode, everybody. I would say this week, but I fucked that up, or maybe this month. But guess what? I fucked that up too. But I'm going to try and be better. I said that last time. But definitely going to try and be better this time. Just because I've had a bit of a spat of bad luck. So, some cunt cracked my windshield on my car on purpose by using a centre punch. 

I recently changed jobs, and then the guy ran out of money. So, he couldn't pay people. So, that was good. Yes. So, I am having a great time. 

But anyway. Fuck it. Let's move on. 

 ------ News Start ------  2:34

To the news. So, what the fuck is going on in gaming this week? Well, we're giving off some strong did someone leave the chaos tap on energy. We've got legendary loot corporate hallucinating game launches. Kojima-level weirdness again, and a mysterious takeover that's got. Modders side-eyeing their hard drives. 

 ------ Borderlands 4 ------  3:01

So, first. Borderlands 4. And they're going to release... This is not part of this news segment. So, Borderlands 4 are... Selling... A collector's edition... Without a game. 

That's right. You can get... Physical items... And art. Which is exactly what you would expect to find in the collector's edition for... A hundred... And fifty dollars. But that doesn't include the game. And... Gearbox says that the collector's edition... Isn't actually the collector's edition. Even though there's no other version available. So, basically, they are selling you... A collector's edition... For a hundred and fifty dollars... And then you have to buy the game. So, two hundred and twenty dollars... For a couple of statues... Not even a couple of statues. Probably just one. And some artwork. greedy fucking bastards as usual. Anyway, that was not the news. It's a bit better. Because Gearbox decided to casually drop... Fifty-four legendary weapons... For Borderlands 4. 

And this is basically... Done. People looked at all the trailers that they've done... And put this together. And just to remind everyone that when it comes to loot porn... They are the undisputed kings of chaos. Because they have a lot of shit in this game. The classics are back. The unkept Harold. The Hellwalker. Which is the Doom shotgun That goes... BFG. Wah. Every time you pull the trigger. Plus a bunch of new toys that look like they were designed... During a Red Bull rage-fueled fever dream. We've got sniper rifles that split bullets like a magician's assistant. Grenade mods that home in like your mum tracking your phone. And shields that basically say shock me harder daddy. Borderlands is not playing subtle anymore. And honestly, we're here for it. you And I'm looking forward to Borderlands, I love Borderlands, hopefully they're not too greedy, because I know how this usually ends. 

 ------ Death Stranding 2 ------  5:00

moving on to Death Stranding 2, Kojima's emotional luggage simulator levels up. Early reviews for Death Stranding 2, On the Beach, are in, and in true Kojima fashion, they're a glorious mix of masterpiece, and what the fuck did I just experience? This time it's less about hiking with UPS cosplay, and more about Bond-based mechanics, which sounds like therapy wrapped in a game engine. Combat's improved, Traversal has gadgets, and the story is so weird that it makes Twin Peaks look like a BBC docuseries. Expect emotional baggage. Literally. Quote of the week, it's less about delivering packages, more about delivering emotion. That's all good, can someone actually deliver a concise plot summary? 

 ------ Mindseye Layoffs ------  5:50

on the sad side of things, now I know how these people feel, because I'm unemployed too. So, in a plot twist that no one wanted, Build a Rocket Boy, who are the studio behind the hype-fueled open world project Mind's Eye. And I really wanted this game to be good. I wanted to buy it. I ain't fucking paying money for it, that's for sure. they promoted everything out of it. 

They threw everything at marketing this thing. They basically marketed it like a Call of Duty game. And if those are bad, that's okay. People will still buy them. it's Call of Duty. It doesn't matter how bad it is, people will still buy it. This is not a Call of Duty game. This was an ex-rockstar person who worked on Grand Theft Auto. Putting that, oh, I worked on Grand Theft Auto. Unfortunately, because the game was so shit when it released, it was worse. I want to say worse than Cyberpunk. But the thing is that CD Projekt Red had financial backing. I don't think these guys did. And they've just started mass layoffs. Hundreds of devs are being let go, including folks from engineering and narrative teams. Which is always a great sign for a game that was already looking like Vaporware with a cinematic trailer budget. And it's unfortunate. Because this could have been something great. But I think they just focus too much on making cinematics look amazing in-game on the adverts. Instead of, you know, I think they forget that you can basically refund a game after a couple of hours. And if it's as bad as it is, you can probably refund it even after playing 10 hours on Steam. Because Steam will just look at it and be like, Yeah, you're right, it's shit. It's got bugs. Honestly, you can only release a broken game if you've got the budget to back it. You can't release it if that's all you're relying on. 

 ------ Metroid Prime 4 ------  7:47

If you live in the UK, you may have seen a billboard. Metroid Prime 4 is out. Nope. It's not. If you're not. If you're one of the poor souls that saw the Nintendo Switch 2 ad that claimed that Metroid Prime 4 was available now, and then launched your Switch like it like it was Christmas 2002, congrats. You've been gaslit by marketing. The ad accidentally slapped a release label on Metro Prime 4, a game that's been MIA since 2017 and restarted in 2019. Nintendo hasn't said shit about it officially, so the only thing available now is your crushed dreams. So yeah, that would have gotten people excited. They would have gone on the store saying that it's not there and maybe bought something else. And hey, Nintendo wins again. And I used to like Nintendo, but they're also turning into a bunch of greedy cunts. Should I say that? Bastards. Greedy bastards. 

 ------ Nexus Mods ------  8:41

And finally in the news, Nexus Mod has been sold to mysterious owners. Yes, that's right. The sacred temple of Skyrim Porn Armour and Fallout bug fixes has been acquired by a mystery buyer. Yes, the site with 44 million modders has a new sugar daddy and nobody knows who it is. The founder, PS4, the owner, the founder and the founder of Skyrim Porn Armour, and the founder of Skyrim Porn Armour and Fallout bug fixes has been acquired by a mystery buyer. Yes, the site with 44 million modders has a new sugar daddy and nobody knows who it is. The founder peaced out after 20 years saying nothing's changing, which is the corporate equivalent of don't be scared as we sneak behind you with a knife and stab you in the back and twist. The community is already panicking about monetisation. Can't blame them. overload or worse, the Curseforge treatment. And for those of you who don't know, Curseforge is another modding site that went down this road and you can have a look on Google. There's just been an outrage of it. So, nothing changing my ass. If your favourite mod suddenly needs a subscription to it called Immersion Enhancer Platinum, you'll know who to blame. And to be fair, I've used Nexus mods quite a lot. I love Nexus mods. I, uhm, I do for it, because why not? Let them have some hard earned money, because they, they do a good job. You know, some of these mods are great, and sometimes I just, you know, I'm like, eh, I'll try that mod. You know, and... it's not expensive, this subscription. But, yeah, that's about to fucking change, isn't it? 

Oh, anyway. This week's gaming is a Black Mirror episode hosted by Geralt of Rivia after six pints of Red Bull. Layoffs, fake releases, mystery buyers, and Kojima reminding us he's still gaming's weird uncle with an Oscar dream. Stay sharp, stay cynical, and whatever you do, back up your mods. 

 ------ Cash Cleaner Simulator ------  10:42

now onto the main game segment. That is Cash Cleaner Simulator. Dirty money, dirtier mindset. So, I've been playing this game for a couple of weeks, and you know me. I love a simulation game. Crime Scene Cleaner. Absolutely loved it. And... Schedule 1. Drug game. And... Great farming simulator. Power Wash Simulator. I don't know what it is, but I love a good simulator game. And this... Is kind of... If... Power Wash Simulator and kind of Breaking Bad got high together and fell into a laundromat. ...and decided to make a baby powered entirely by bleach and capitalism. And this isn't just a game about cleaning cash, it's a full-blown money laundering fever dream. You're blood off banknotes, fishing dice out of duffel bags that fell from the ceiling, and picking up shells like it's just another Tuesday... ...in your underground... ...launder lab. What the hell is this game, you ask? Well, you... Start in a basement. Where... You know. You have... Amnesia. And your only task is to clean dirty money for the criminal underworld. And I mean clean it physically, like pick up a wad of put it through a cycle... And clean it. So money drops from the ceiling, 'cause there's a massive hole in the roof, like a reverse Santa... ...and it just yeets stacks of blood-soaked bills, duffel bags full of crack cash... And... The occasional mattress stuff with gold bars. Yes, that happened to me. Your job is to unpack it, clean it, sort it, repack it, ship it And if you're thinking that sounds kind of zen, you'd be right until you open a bag and find a die-packed rig... Explode in your face. If you didn't slice the bag open with a knife, that is. So it's quite easy to bypass it, but you forget sometimes. And there have been a few times where I've sliced open all the bags... And a bag full of cash drops down. And I'm like, "Oh, let's get this, open it, pfft, that's it." All your banknotes are fucked because you then have to individually clean them with a sponge. And that's just not worth it. 


 ------ Cash Cleaner Simulator Gameplay & Physics ------  12:48


So let's talk about the gameplay loop: Crime Core Chore Core. See what I did there? Crime Core Chore Core. You get jobs through your sketchy burner phone. I need $25, 000 in fives in a metal briefcase. Don't ask questions. Great, normal day, money drops in from the holes. Sometimes it's loose, sometimes it's in a box, sometimes the box bounces like a fucking basketball, flies across the room, and gets lost. And you have to wonder if it, you know, if you do a lot of things at once, you get lost. Each individual note has its own physics, and... I'm not joking, unless it's in a pile, because then I think it counts a pile as one. 

Basically it counts everything as one. So if you've got loose money everywhere... I mean, like, where you're putting it through cash machines and it's spitting out all this money... your game will start to lag. 

But it's not... It's not annoying. It's just very noticeable, but it's fine. You know, you understand that they've done it this way because every note acts differently, every note is individual, and they've done a great job. There's not much more you can do. 

Just spend... 20,000 pounds on a brand new computer, and you might be able to play And And until you realise that you can pick up money in different ways, you think you have to pick it up one by one, and you want to fucking rage quit this game. But then once you find out the little tricks behind it, you're OK. It's not as bad. But still. Especially Especially don't have the right equipment yet, and you have to sort it by currency, and you get a bag of mixed currency. So once you stop throwing money in the air like a rap video, you get into a groove of assorting by currency, counting with machines, clean with microfibre cloths, or sponges in this case, throw it in a literal fucking washing machine if it's covered in blood, or whatever. And yes, you can use a UV light to spot marked notes, that gangs have marked it. of course you start the game with nothing, a room, your phone, and enough bad decisions to make Tony Montana raise an eyebrow. But soon you're ordering briefcases from your phone, buying a money counter, setting up a UV station, water washing little stacks of fucked up bills in a washing machine, and throwing them into like a tumble dryer. Not a tumble dryer, you know one of those things that you stand in, one of those hurricane chambers. But you throw it into that, to basically dry the money. And then you can start buying currency-sorting machines, which is great, because then you can make the easier note. And And trolleys, and shelves, so you've got trolleys of money everywhere. It just, it turns into a fucking nightmare. And at the centre of all of this is a giant glass piggy from the ceiling, like some capitalist death god. I mean, to me it was just reminding me of Squid

 ------ Cash Cleaner Simulator Downsides ------  15:47

These are the moments that made me lose it a bit. The physics engine from hell, you throw one bag a little too hard and suddenly the entire room looks like the end of Scarface. Because if you throw an open bag, yes the money can fall out. One mission gave me a box that the game refused to let me destroy, use, or sell if I touched it wrong. So the game crashed. But I worked around it, and eventually something happened and the box just vanished, so that's okay. And then of course there's the die pack disaster, because I took a job with a high payout, opened the bag like a caveman, and the die pack exploded everywhere. 

And I cried a little, cancelled the job, reputation down. Ah, anyway. Now where the game drags, it does drag. As much as I love pretending to be a laundering wizard with a mild caffeine addiction, this game goes on too long. Now when I say too long, what I mean is, it doesn't give you enough to keep you engaged. Because I don't mind if a game continues forever, but you're in the same place. Yes, there are some things that change eventually, but you're in the same fucking place. You know, you know what you're doing. I've got six money counters, I'm good. And eventually it becomes more of a chore than the crimes I was pretending not to commit. It loses steam, the gameplay doesn't evolve much past a certain point, more machines, more cash, but not a lot of new, just longer jobs, tighter requirements, and less patience on my end to be fair. 

Still, it is satisfying, but at some point it felt like I was roleplaying, you know, like an Amazon warehouse worker with a criminal twist. 

 ------ Cash Cleaner Simulator Final Verdict ------  17:24

So the final verdict, the good, the bad, and the bloodstained briefcase. Let me say, you can buy this game on Steam with Crime Scene Cleaner bundled together so you can have the fun of both of these games. Now if they combine them one day, that'll be a whole other thing. What What slaps in this game? Look at me being so Gen Z. 

Hilariously satisfying cleaning. Legitimately impressive cash physics. Smart upgrade system, and satisfying grind to a point. UV lights, die pack bombs, and the slow realisation you're basically the Walter White of Windex. So what sucks? There's no controller support. So if you want tough shit. You have to use a keyboard. Late game grind is brutal. Needs more variety in job types, and maybe, you know, a a rival cleaner to outclean. A co-op mode. A turf over to rival laundromat mode. Something. It just needs that extra something. But my final verdict is Cash Cleaner Simulator is the most zen capitalist simulation of criminal labor you'll play this year so far. You'll spend hours scrubbing blood off money, grabbing murder cash off the floor, and wondering if this is your villain origin story. And the worst part, you'll probably enjoy every minute of it until your 15th hour when you realise you're still $700, 000 short, and your in-game floor is buried under a tsunami of mixed money. It's filthy work, but somebody has to do it. 

 ------ Outro ------  18:58

And that, my friends, was this week's trip. I say this week. That, my friends, was this month's. And I want to get better. We'll try again next week to get the show out. Because I actually have been playing quite a lot of games, so I have a lot I can talk about. The digital madhouse we call gaming. Borderlands gave us loot so legendary it might require therapy. Kojima gave us feelings, confusion, and more fucking hiking. And studios are collapsing. Mori Empires are being sold to Shadow Corps. And Nintendo is straight up lying to our faces with a smile. And somehow amidst all of that, the most cathartic moment I had all week was scrubbing blood-stained money in a neon-lit hell bunker for faceless criminals. So if this podcast gave you life, laughter, or at least a reason not to boot up The Sims and drown someone in a pool share the chaos, And toss a five-star review my way like you're making it rain in a strip club staffed by NPCs. 

So, as usual, I've been your host, cleaner of digital crime scenes, carrier of gaming grievances, and deliverer of hot takes. This has been Gamer Chronicles, where you don't chase clout, we chase XP, and emotionally scarring plot twists. See you next week, hopefully. And remember, always check the bag for dye packs, and never trust a game trailer that doesn't show actual gameplay, people.